New Beginning

I guess I have to take a different stance with my blog now. Evolution is in progress. I've been at my new job for seven days now, and I really think I'm going to like it there (at least when I figure out what the heck I'm doing!). I've handled my own with my boss and I've handled my own in the courtroom. I'm by no means perfect, but I feel that I have some potential to figure things out and succeed. That feeling is a first for me, at least in a long time.

I can't wait to move into my apartment. As much as I appreciate and enjoy staying with my friend, it just doesn't feel like I'm on my own until I'm really on my own. I'll be closer to work and in a position to really create more of a life for myself. Here's to life.

Perfection is Stagnant

I've been on a role for the past few days. For some reason, I'm motivated to write. Anyway, the title of this post refers to another something I heard on the pilates podcast I mentioned before. "Perfection is stagnant." The man (the same one who also asks how your body is feeling) in the podcast was discussing how pilates is always a growth process. The same is true with life and the many things we do with it. This man said that, while each of us should push ourselves to reach perfection, we should never truly expect it. First of all, because it is an unrealistic goal, but also, second, because what is there left to do once perfection is achieved? Nothing. There's nothing else to do in life. If we reached perfection in anything, that part of our life is destroyed because there's nothing to push for. And, really, it's the push that makes life so great.

Nostalgia and Baseball

This weekend, the bf and I went to College Station for the weekend. Technically, we stayed in Caldwell, a small(er) town by College Station, where the bf's friend lives. It was nice seeing my old college stomping ground again. On Friday, we went to one of my favorite restaurants there, Cafe Excel. On Saturday and Sunday, we all went to Aggie baseball games. Unfortunately, the Ags lost both games to t.u., but it was still fun nonetheless. I'm not a huge sports fan, and I still had fun. The bf always checks and double checks to make sure I want to be there. It gets a bit annoying, because if I don't want to go, then I won't go. Sometimes, I choose to do things because I really, really want to, but other times I'll do it because he wants to. There's nothing wrong with that, and I know he does the same thing for me too.

Anyway, so while we were in Olsen Field watching the games, my eye and mind drifted beyond the field and to the rest of the campus. It's hard to believe that it has been over five years since I lived there. You always think back and wish that you appreciated what you had back then more. I loved most of my time at A&M, but I always think I could have made better choices about the activities I was in (or not in) and about more professional preparation. I don't know, but nostaliga definitely got to me this weekend.

What is Serenity?

I keep throwing this word out - serenity. What does it mean? How do I atain it? By definition, serenity is the state or quality of being serene, or unaffected by disturbance; calm and unruffled. I imagine, of course, that serenity means different things for different people. Since this is my journal, the question begging to be answered is what does serenity mean to me? I don't really have a clear answer for this. I know that reading a good book always makes me feel great. Practicing yoga or pilates at home with complete silence is one of the best moments I can think of. Feeling the fragrant heat of tea on my face. Going to the gym with my friend and catching up on gossip while really working up a sweat really helps bring a needed human connection in my life.

I'm very tempted to write that having a job and being able to financially support myself are things that will bring serenity. However, I did spend a year working in a job and financially supporting myself, and the last word I would use to describe that year is serene. So, it seems that I require something more than that status to calm my mind and truly make me happy. I think I discovered this in college, certainly in law school, but my pride and society required sole focus on my future career.

It is commonly said that practial experience is the best teacher, and after my short stint as an attorney, I wholeheartedly agree. If I gained nothing else from that challenge, I at least recognized how important one's job is in one's life. It is time consuming. Iit takes you away from family and friends. It takes you out of the sunlight. It is the source of most people's stresses. It bleeds into your personal life. It is, by far, one of the biggest chunks of your life. So, it is of the utmost importance to find a job that makes you HAPPY! After really seeing how much a job impacts you and your life, why settle for anything else? I don't know. Maybe I'm just wishful thinking, but a good job is certainly worth fighting for and searching for and praying for. I don't think this answers the question I posed for this entry, but helpful nonetheless.

An Intention

Having reflected on the past year's highs and lows, I'd like to focus on my intentions for this year (granted, it is already a quarter over).

1. Focus on friends and family. So unfortunate, but both of these groups are usually much neglected by me. Like most people, I blamed my busy schedule as a student and as a lawyer for my lack of attention to these people. Likewise, friends and family offer the same excuses for not staying in touch with me. Despite that, I would like to make a better commitment to keeping my friends and family connected to me and the things happening in my life. Thinking back, there are many friends/potential friends that are no longer in my life whatsoever (not even the obligatory christmas card), which is so sad because moving on from one part of my life should never mean that I drop the people who made that part special for me. This intention is particularly hard for me right now, as I have not told many people about my current situation. It is hard talking about it with those not closest to me - I am always so worried about being judged as a failure or incompetent.

2. Find a great job. Sometimes (most times) I feel that this is completely out of my control. I read books, articles, etc. writing about how if you don't like your current situation, then change it. It is all up to you. I have felt this way before - heck, I used to spout similar statements out to myself and others all the time. Now, it's hard to feel that charge over my own life. I have busted my butt for almost seven months job-hunting, sending applications, traveling for interviews just to be rejected. I have a good resume, I did well in law school, my first job required me to do a lot of work that other firms wouldn't give to a new associate. It's hard to maintain a good attitude after all of that, and it becomes understandable, I think, why I feel that this whole thing is out of my hands. A growing part of me wonders if this isn't some divine intervention trying to tell me to move out of the legal field. I feel that this intention/necessity is stumping my progress as a person, is preventing me from doing things I want to do (because of lack of $), and is downright weighing pretty heavily on me at the moment.

3. Spend time creating a welcoming space. Right now, that space is my bedroom in my parents' home, but hopesfully I will be able to move into my own apartment again sometime this year. Either way, I'd like to really focus on creating a good space for myself. This is something that I always wanted to work on. I bought books on decorating, shopped around in home decor stores, and researched feng shui since I moved into my first apartment in college. However, I never transferred that desire and research into action. Originally, I blamed it on my limited student finances, but even when I started working, I neglected it. I think a big part of that was because I was so miserable with my job and scared every day that I might lose my job, that it reflected in my desire to lavish my apartment. For the first six months in my 1-bedroom apartment, I only had a bed, dresser, desk, and tiny TV table. No couch. Nothing on the walls. It was downright despressing (as if life wasn't depressing enough for me as it was). However, I did find a very affordable couch after that time, and did a little bit of decorating once I made that find. Bought a proper TV armoire. Bought some fun pictures for the living room walls. Did a bit of decorating in the kitchen. But it was still a long way from the space I really want for myself.

For my next apartment (which will be 2-bedroom), I must have my own washer/dryer. I also want to spend more time creating warmth in my space - possibly by painting, putting up curtains, that type of thing. I tend like clean lines, kind of zen feel to the rooms. I also want to spend more time on my bedroom - a much neglected place. It needs a complete overhaul - something clean, but girly. I want a space that reflects me.

4. Take care of my dogs. In addition to proper vet care, of course, I want to make sure they have proper exercise, so they don't insist on going crazy in the house. There is a great dog park close-by that I love going to. I'd like to be more consistent about going there, possibly at least once a week. The thing I've been most neglectful of is walking. I've read that leash walking is always necessary, even if a dog gets to run around outside because it enforces who is master. I really want to commit to walking my dogs every evening. Also, I would like to start training classes, especially for Bogey.

5. Focus on yoga. This is an intention that has become growingly important. I was introduced to yoga in college, and knew even then that I would love it. College Station didn't have too much to offer in terms of yoga. There was one studio in town that I looked at, but never signed up for. The story of my life - chickening out. In law school, I bought some DVDs and began a home practice, but it was very sporatic and undisciplined. I became more focused right after law school, before I got my first job. But once I started working, I never worked out that entire time. Obviously, my dedication to my well-being has not been, well, dedicated. When I finally get a job, and can afford to do so, I would like to begin a regular class study of yoga - perhaps twice a week as an initial goal. Until then, I have some very good home practice DVDs that I am working on, and my goal is to become more dedicated to (eventually) a daily practice.

6. Consider yoga as a career. Remember how I mentioned above that I think someone might be telling me move on from the legal world? I had initially considered teaching yoga in law school, and it is one of those things that just hasn't gone away. I would like to take yoga in a class setting for a year. At that time, if I think it is something I'd like to pursure as a career, then I may do the teacher certifications. Maybe begin teaching a class or two. Who knows, maybe even own my own studio some day.

7. Reunite with an old flame. By that, I mean ballet. It's funny how we come full circle sometimes. I remember starting college, and thinking that dancing was over for me. I related it to an old boyfriend that I broke up with - we couldn't be just friends. However, it is something that has come to mind often lately. It will be hard starting over - I'm not in the same shape I was at 18, I haven't had a proper ballet class in almost 10 years - but I'm willing to suck up my pride and give it a go. I've come to the realization that we don't have to let things we love go just because our life expands. At one time, I thought I had to leave it and move on, but it doesn't (and shouldn't) have to be that way.

8. Take a painting class or two. Painting is one of those things that has always popped into my head, but I easily dismissed it since I didn't take art in high school (don't you love how I determine my entire life on what I did in high school?). I've begun dabbling in it for fun - bought some paint and canvas and gave it a whirl. I'm not very good by any means, but I think some instruction could be useful.

A Reflection

I don't think we can really reach serenity without coming to terms with the past and deciding what positively moves you toward serenity and what takes you away. This is normally done at the beginning of the year, but surely is something helpful throughout. I'd like to take this time to look back on my past year - my first job, the loss of that job, and the search for my next step - and see what things I would change and things that I want to carry forward with me. Things I've learned, and things I want to avoid in the future.

1. People I met over the year. I was fortunate to meet many people during the past year. Some who became close friends, and others who taught me more about the person I do not want to be. To both groups, I express gratitude, for I learned something from all. From those who became friends, I learned that good things always come from bad circumstances. If I left a trying time with a good friend or two, then it was a blessing indeed. There were, unfortunately, too many people I met this year, and had to work with, that were unethical, unpleasant, unprofessional, and just plain unfriendly. Being the kind of girl who thrives on civil, pleasant, friendly interaction with others, this was very much a cultural and moral shock. However, it was something I needed to see, as we encounter these types of people everywhere in our lives and must learn how to deal with them. Whether I actually have learned how to deal with difficult people, and difficult bosses, is unclear, but I am on my way, and practice does make perfect.

2. Landing my first lawyer job. Last year (or rather a year and a half ago) I accepted my first attorney position, and moved to a new city to start my life as an independent person. As I've expressed numerous times throughout this blog, the job environment was lacking to say the least. For most of my employment with the firm, I seriously questioned whether being an attorney was the right job for me. As I worked in a civil defense firm, I never saw any of my clients, much less ever spoke with them. It certainly wasn't the justice that I had in mind in college and law school. Most of the time I felt inept, uneducated, and stupid - granted it was mainly the people who worked around me that I allowed to make me feel that way. It was hard to ever really feel that my work was mine, that my cases were mine, that I was a licensed attorney and not some child constantly scolded my wicked stepmother.

3. Having a nice apartment. One of the major benefits of being employed as an attorney is a nice paycheck. Though I lived in a small town, I was able to say that I lived in the nicest apartment complex in town. And it was a very nice apartment - very new, right on the water. I bought a sofa. I loved it.

4. Rescuing my first dog. Last summer I rescued my first dog from the local humane society. I wanted a dog since college, but reasoned that I may not be ready for the responsibility. But last summer I was so downtrodden, depressed, and lonely, that I decided it was definitely the right time for a pet. During the past several years, I had looked at various purebreeds. However, when I actually sat down, ready to find my pet, I was moved to look at the local shelters. That research encouraged me to look further into animal shelters and their purpose. Now I am a complete supporter of those people who give their time to helping so many unfortunate animals in need. One weekend, my boyfriend was in town and we went to a shelter to see the animals. At first, it was shocking to see all the animals in cages with concrete floors, but I took the time to look around and I found one of the greatest loves of my life - a chihuahua mix I named Bentley. He is, by far, the sweetest and most loving dog I have ever met, and he has done nothing but make my life better.

5. Rescuing my second dog. Last fall, I started thinking about bringing a second dog into my home. Most of this was due to the fact that Bentley had a bad case of separation anxiety. Whether this was created at the shelter or was just his personality, it made it difficult to leave him alone. As I debated about the second dog, my boyfriend called and told me of a lady who was looking for someone to take her chi-mix dog because she couldn't afford to neuter him. I took it as a sign, and adopted him. His name is Bogart ("Bogey"), and I would not say that he is the sweetest dog I have ever met, but he is a good dog and keeps Bentley busy running around the house. I think adopting Bogey may have been the best thing I did for Bentley (other than rescuing him).

6. Losing my job. At the end of August last year, I got a lovely email from my boss stating that "it wasn't working out," and that my employment with the firm was "terminated immediately." No explanation, no face-to-face confrontation. After all the time, stress, and tears, all I got was an email. It was one of the most insulting and degrading moments I've experieneced (the only thing that tops it was the year I actually spent at the firm enduring the stress and tears). However, it was also the most liberating experience. This I recognized even when it was happening. I hated my job. I hated the people. I wanted out. I was miserable, and I didn't know how to get myself out. So, the decision was made for me, and it did save me.

7. Leaving my independence. The loss of a job inevitably means the loss of independence, if you do not find another soon. I maintained my apartment and independent life until the end of November. Then, the apartment lease ended and I had to resort to moving home with my family. On one hand, I am eternally grateful that my parents always open their home to me. However, it becomes easy to view it as failure. I try not to allow the feelings of failure to overcome me, but they do. I simply repressed them, which never works.

8. Maintaining friendships with those I left behind. Moving back home meant leaving the friends I made through my job. The effort has been to maintain the relationships and allow them to grow over the geographic distance. These friendships have been invaluable during this trying time, as these friends understand where I came from and are great shoulders to lean on during the weak times. It is hard sometimes, however, because maintaining friends who still work at the firm means I cannot truly leave that life behind. I still hear about the difficult people and the injustice that runs rampant. I try to be a shoulder for them, but also force myself not to let their stories overcome me, as I simply cannot continue to allow that firm to influence my sensibility.

9. Finding another job. Now that I am jobless, the inevitable task at hand is to find another job. I've spent the past 6 months sending out resumes like there is no tomorrow. Frustratingly, the interviews are sparse and the job offers are non-existent (obviously). It is easy to tear myself apart by this state of affairs (and believe me, I have). A growing part of me feels that it is a sign or preparation for something. One way to view the fact that I do not know where this journey end is as a blessing, an opportunity. Being someone who always plans her next step, this time has been especially trying.

There is more I'm sure I need to reflect on. This are just the big events that have happened over the past year. My next step is to take these reflections and create intentions, things I want to proactively accomplish, during this year. Until next time...