A Reflection

I don't think we can really reach serenity without coming to terms with the past and deciding what positively moves you toward serenity and what takes you away. This is normally done at the beginning of the year, but surely is something helpful throughout. I'd like to take this time to look back on my past year - my first job, the loss of that job, and the search for my next step - and see what things I would change and things that I want to carry forward with me. Things I've learned, and things I want to avoid in the future.

1. People I met over the year. I was fortunate to meet many people during the past year. Some who became close friends, and others who taught me more about the person I do not want to be. To both groups, I express gratitude, for I learned something from all. From those who became friends, I learned that good things always come from bad circumstances. If I left a trying time with a good friend or two, then it was a blessing indeed. There were, unfortunately, too many people I met this year, and had to work with, that were unethical, unpleasant, unprofessional, and just plain unfriendly. Being the kind of girl who thrives on civil, pleasant, friendly interaction with others, this was very much a cultural and moral shock. However, it was something I needed to see, as we encounter these types of people everywhere in our lives and must learn how to deal with them. Whether I actually have learned how to deal with difficult people, and difficult bosses, is unclear, but I am on my way, and practice does make perfect.

2. Landing my first lawyer job. Last year (or rather a year and a half ago) I accepted my first attorney position, and moved to a new city to start my life as an independent person. As I've expressed numerous times throughout this blog, the job environment was lacking to say the least. For most of my employment with the firm, I seriously questioned whether being an attorney was the right job for me. As I worked in a civil defense firm, I never saw any of my clients, much less ever spoke with them. It certainly wasn't the justice that I had in mind in college and law school. Most of the time I felt inept, uneducated, and stupid - granted it was mainly the people who worked around me that I allowed to make me feel that way. It was hard to ever really feel that my work was mine, that my cases were mine, that I was a licensed attorney and not some child constantly scolded my wicked stepmother.

3. Having a nice apartment. One of the major benefits of being employed as an attorney is a nice paycheck. Though I lived in a small town, I was able to say that I lived in the nicest apartment complex in town. And it was a very nice apartment - very new, right on the water. I bought a sofa. I loved it.

4. Rescuing my first dog. Last summer I rescued my first dog from the local humane society. I wanted a dog since college, but reasoned that I may not be ready for the responsibility. But last summer I was so downtrodden, depressed, and lonely, that I decided it was definitely the right time for a pet. During the past several years, I had looked at various purebreeds. However, when I actually sat down, ready to find my pet, I was moved to look at the local shelters. That research encouraged me to look further into animal shelters and their purpose. Now I am a complete supporter of those people who give their time to helping so many unfortunate animals in need. One weekend, my boyfriend was in town and we went to a shelter to see the animals. At first, it was shocking to see all the animals in cages with concrete floors, but I took the time to look around and I found one of the greatest loves of my life - a chihuahua mix I named Bentley. He is, by far, the sweetest and most loving dog I have ever met, and he has done nothing but make my life better.

5. Rescuing my second dog. Last fall, I started thinking about bringing a second dog into my home. Most of this was due to the fact that Bentley had a bad case of separation anxiety. Whether this was created at the shelter or was just his personality, it made it difficult to leave him alone. As I debated about the second dog, my boyfriend called and told me of a lady who was looking for someone to take her chi-mix dog because she couldn't afford to neuter him. I took it as a sign, and adopted him. His name is Bogart ("Bogey"), and I would not say that he is the sweetest dog I have ever met, but he is a good dog and keeps Bentley busy running around the house. I think adopting Bogey may have been the best thing I did for Bentley (other than rescuing him).

6. Losing my job. At the end of August last year, I got a lovely email from my boss stating that "it wasn't working out," and that my employment with the firm was "terminated immediately." No explanation, no face-to-face confrontation. After all the time, stress, and tears, all I got was an email. It was one of the most insulting and degrading moments I've experieneced (the only thing that tops it was the year I actually spent at the firm enduring the stress and tears). However, it was also the most liberating experience. This I recognized even when it was happening. I hated my job. I hated the people. I wanted out. I was miserable, and I didn't know how to get myself out. So, the decision was made for me, and it did save me.

7. Leaving my independence. The loss of a job inevitably means the loss of independence, if you do not find another soon. I maintained my apartment and independent life until the end of November. Then, the apartment lease ended and I had to resort to moving home with my family. On one hand, I am eternally grateful that my parents always open their home to me. However, it becomes easy to view it as failure. I try not to allow the feelings of failure to overcome me, but they do. I simply repressed them, which never works.

8. Maintaining friendships with those I left behind. Moving back home meant leaving the friends I made through my job. The effort has been to maintain the relationships and allow them to grow over the geographic distance. These friendships have been invaluable during this trying time, as these friends understand where I came from and are great shoulders to lean on during the weak times. It is hard sometimes, however, because maintaining friends who still work at the firm means I cannot truly leave that life behind. I still hear about the difficult people and the injustice that runs rampant. I try to be a shoulder for them, but also force myself not to let their stories overcome me, as I simply cannot continue to allow that firm to influence my sensibility.

9. Finding another job. Now that I am jobless, the inevitable task at hand is to find another job. I've spent the past 6 months sending out resumes like there is no tomorrow. Frustratingly, the interviews are sparse and the job offers are non-existent (obviously). It is easy to tear myself apart by this state of affairs (and believe me, I have). A growing part of me feels that it is a sign or preparation for something. One way to view the fact that I do not know where this journey end is as a blessing, an opportunity. Being someone who always plans her next step, this time has been especially trying.

There is more I'm sure I need to reflect on. This are just the big events that have happened over the past year. My next step is to take these reflections and create intentions, things I want to proactively accomplish, during this year. Until next time...